And I thought smiles melted my heart...

Baby Noah had a rough night last night. He just couldn't settle every time we put him to bed. At one point Daddy took over to try and sooth and rock him to sleep land. He promised sweet dreams and a day full of fun when he woke up...but nothing was working. Then, Noah looked up - saw mommy and reached out for me. It was awesome and my heart melted. It's like validation for all the hard work we put in, he wanted me, his mommy.

Quiet Time

One of the new and unexpected parts of my day is quiet time. Noah, for about a week and some has been having morning naps which last anywheres past an hour. This was so unexpected a turn of events that I still haven't really decided what to do with my time. Living in a one bedroom condo and Noah being a "quiet" sleeper, I can't really do housework. Not that I am complaining. I have been forced to do things for me and it's real nice. I read my favorite blogs, catch up on FACEBOOK land, and have even read a few books. It's awesome! Not that it is draining being his mom, but it is pretty renewing and refreshing to have this time where I am not worrying about feeding, changing, cleaning or putting to sleep. It's kinda nice to have these moments to read the latest Stanford novel and think to myself, "I hate these books - why do I keep reading them."

Candee

PS...One of my favorite passtimes bb (before baby) was reading books, hating the endings and throwing the book when I finished it. That is not a metaphor or anything...I literally take great joy in throwing a stupid-ending book across the room. Ahhhh...it's good to have a little piece of me back.

Babbles, squeals and farts

He not only fits in his exersaucer, but loves it. Each day brings new and more fun exploring the bright and noisy gadgets. He stops, babbles, squeals and farts. Smiles - looking for mommy to smile back. Farts are funny, mommy always laughs at them.

Crying It Out

I have learnt a lot since becoming a mom and not all of it has to do with parenting. Right from when labour started there was a suttle shift in my perception of others and the choices they make. I used to have such strong opinions about everything and was rarely accepting of others if it differed from my own or what I deemed appropriate. Sounds mean I guess...but I kept it to myself for the most part - I rarely will challenge someone if I think they are wrong. Like alot of people, I will just think they are wrong and move on - naturally assuming all the while that I am right and they are wrong.

Labour changed that in me. I had (and still do to some extent) very strong feelings about how babies should be brought into this world and how much intervention is too much. In my opinion before - most intervention is too much. Having had a difficult labour which lasted just shy of 100 hours I had to make certain decisions that would allow me to continue. I had an epidural at around the 80 hour mark hoping that it would give me the strength to continue for the birth. I had sworn up and down that I would never have an epidural or drugs of any kind put in my body.

When I made my judgements, was I being naive? I like to think not - but obviously the situation we were in made me change my mind on a topic I felt/feel strongly about.

Today's Candace looks differently on these questions. Though my brain is quick to judge, my heart knows that each family must make the decisions that are right for them. I am proud of myself that I can now see that. Who am I to judge?

Time

One of the funniest and unexpected parts of motherhood is how busy I am. Yet if someone asks me what I have been up to, the answer is almost always ‘nothing.’ It’s not that I do nothing…I guess it is more that I don’t think the real answer will be very interesting. I play with my son. We sing, dance, exercise (him, not me!), play, sleep, eat and so on.

I find it a very simple happiness to watch him develop new skills. Currently he is discovering his feet and I can and have watched him play for hours.

We have company now, my mother and sister and law and so after nursing they take Noah and visit. Not only do I feel a sense of emptiness, but I am lonely and bored as hell! So weird. My house is clean though and dinner is fun to make with no distractions, but oddly – I sometimes hope that he will have a meltdown and need his mommy so I can take him back.

Love

I’ve known love. All my life I have known love. But to know love as a parent is something so different and all consuming that it makes me lose my breath. I stare at my baby boy and think no one could love as much as this, right now. How many millions of parents have thought this exact same thing?

I get it now. I understand.

I cherish the few moments I get to myself each day – but even as the steaming hot shower beats down on me, I am thinking of my precious baby.

In the wee hours of the night I run through our day. Was he happy? What can I do better tomorrow?

The secret about smiles.

As soon as your baby smiles at you, all the frustration, fatigue and any other negative emotions you might be feeling just vanish.

At the first hint of a smile, I was the first to say it was just gas. I was doing myself and Noah an injustice. It was at least a week before my tired eyes started to connect that he smiled in response to what mommy was doing. I was ecstatic. I was instantly renewed.

Between feedings, Noah is most often awake. He is not a sleepy newborn. Before we discovered smiles – this time was often spent in frustration. Mommy trying to get baby to sleep, baby crying because he didn’t want to sleep. The end result was generally mommy and baby staring at each other and stuck in an old western styled showdown. Mommy usually lost. I hadn’t quite learnt that you can’t make a baby sleepy.

Smiles changed everything. Awake time is spent having tons of fun and trying to think of new ways to get the baby smiling. I have quickly learnt that you can sing about anything, including poopy diapers and the baby loves it!

Noah has moved on to learning to use his little voice. He is starting to coo and gurgle and squeal and I am as enchanted as I am with his smiles.